Changed-ness

I was having a difficult time accepting it is okay to own my spiritual heritage of prosperity, love, joy and abundance. I had many wonderful gifts and blessings. But for some unfathomed reason, part of me balked at receiving these precious belongings. I'd woken up that morning feeling terrified. I lay in bed with thoughts surging and billowing in my head. Today was the day to start promoting my business. My business cards lay ready on my desk.

I had been here before. Each time I planned to go out, a wall of blackness came down in front of me. It was time to break the circle. Instead of my customary turning away from the Light, this time I turned toward it. From my heart came the words "Journal your thoughts." To my journal I went. Armed with a cup of hot coffee and a blanket, I sat down in my chair. Here is what I wrote:

"I'm sitting here feeling terrified and this feeling needs to be honored and followed through, instead of being stuffed - again. It really is old stuff. I slept poorly and also slept in. At this moment I'm agitated and upset. I'm bouncing between writing this, worrying about paying the bills and wasting my time a dozen different ways. some part of me needs the drama.

It needs the adrenaline and intensity of the dysfunction. It needs it to feel alive and have something to relate to. Precious part of me feeling this way - please hear me - there is a better way. A way based on love, respect, confidence and light instead of darkness, fear, anger and doubt. All is possible."

At this point I felt a shift inside me. A picture came into my mind of light and spaciousness, of a tall being shining with light. I started to write again:

"Precious part of me, you are beautiful, sweet, gentle, pure and innocent - you are child. You are spiritual, you are light, you are pure gold. You are love abounding, you are an expression of the cosmic breath. You are all that is lovely and desirable. Come home please. No longer be out in the cold, dark and loneliness."

(At this point I felt in my body, and saw in my mind's eye, a tall being step into a room and duck his head in order to enter through a low doorway.)

"See, you are so tall you duck your head to fit through the door of my mind. My life lights up because of your presence. You bring such peace, serenity, love and joy. Abundance is ours. I feel the room of my awareness growing to accommodate you. All is stretching, changing, growing, becoming light and transparent. My house of dark coldness becomes a sparkling crystal of pure light."

Here the feeling faded away, and I was left with a changed-ness about me. While I still had fear, the blind terror and black wall of despair had started to lift. And so my journey toward prosperity began in earnest.

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