Wanted, Dead or Alive

I once talked with an old man about life and death. I'll call him Jim. We met through a mutual friend (Jenny), who asked me to talk with Jim. Jenny told me she was worried for Jim, and could I help? Finally, a date and time was set. I drove to where Jim lived, knocked on the door, and waited. No one was home.

On the drive back into town it occurred to me to drop by Jenny's business. Standing in the doorway was Jim. He looked like a gnome, bent over, with the lines of a full life etched in his face. Eventually we ended up back at his place and settled down to visit.

Jim got straight to business. "Why am I still here?" he asked, looking me in the eye. "How do you mean?" I countered. "Why am I still alive?" he tried again, fixing me with his gaze. "It would be great if I could just drop dead, and no matter how hard I wish for it, I wake up every morning."

He continued as if we had known each other for 50 years. "I was 12 years old when the first world war began, and 37 when the second world war started. How old are you?"
"50" I answered, feeling like a teenager.

It crossed my mind he had been 44 when I was born, 6 years younger then, than I am now. For some reason, I was having trouble getting my head around the figures...

"Jenny tells me you know something about the spiritual," Jim remarked. "Well, that remains to be seen, I guess," I answered. I didn't really know what to say. He continued "Nobody will let me talk, they all shut me up by changing the subject, or criticizing me for thinking this way. Are you going to do the same?"

"Nope," I replied. "I believe that everyone has the right to think and feel how they want to. If you feel you want to die, then you feel you want to die, there's no use me pretending it should be otherwise." Jim grunted and looked at his hands.

I continued. "Jim, I have no interest in telling you what to do, and I'd like to know what makes you want to leave before your time is up. If you are alive, there is a reason for it, and Infinite Spirit knows this reason." He then poured out his story.

I learned about the things that had been stolen from him over time by neighbors. I learned about his fears of becoming decrepit and incontinent. A proud man was Jim. Then there was becoming a burden on friends, and the fierce pride and independent spirit. I learned about his financial fears, heard fascinating stories from 20 years before I was born. This man had spent his life studying the metaphysical, and asked me over and over "Why is life the way it is, it's such a puzzle."

"It's a puzzle to me as well," I would reply, and smile. He looked at me sideways and said "You have a crafty way with words. You're telling me that life is the way it is, aren't you." "Yes I am." "And you're telling me I'll die when I die?" "Yes I am, and for all your years, perhaps there is something still for you to learn." I said softly. "And what, pray tell, might that be?" Jim asked dryly.

"Well, how about putting pride aside and accepting help, how about letting people who care for you do things for you. And if your neighbors need the stuff they stole that badly, then bless it, and let the anger go. How about letting Jenny arrange some financial help for you, and how about trusting that you will die when you die. People love you. Let them."

I didn't put it in so blunt a manner as I've written here, of course. Jim stared at the table as he thought about all this, and other issues we discussed. Finally, he looked up and said "You have really helped me."

I don't have a clue what it was I said or did that helped him, but something did.

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