Is Blood Thicker Than Water?

I heard the saying "Blood is thicker than water" a lot when I was a kid, and I didn't understand it. A situation happened recently that helped me understand what it might mean. A man wanted to talk about family. He has a son in his early 20's, whose mother and he had split up while the son was some 4 years old.

His ex-wife and child moved several thousand miles away, and over time he lost contact with them. He said this happened partially because he "didn't know how to be part of a family myself."

After many years of silence, the son and mother suddenly re-emerged on the scene. They wanted dad's involvment to help the son heal a drug problem. The man and his son spent time together, painful for both of them. They talked about keeping in touch. It didn't happen, he told me. The son went home and it was as if it had never been. Communication never materialized.

"This was six months ago," he said, "Last week I got a phone call from his mother telling me our son has disappeared. Over a week or so, there was a flurry of phone calls and e-mails and then, suddenly, silence. I left it for a few days, and decided to phone. My son answered. I was astounded. He was home, and his mother hadn't even let me know. That hurt."

He went on to say he had asked his son when had he got home? A day and a half ago. Where had he been? New Mexico (they live in the eastern US). What made him go there? He felt like it. So what happened? asked father. The story was: the son had driven to New Mexico, where his car broke down. He abandoned it and hitched a ride.

Once in town he wandered the streets for a day or two and then got an urge to go into the mountains. How did he get there? He stole a (big) soft drinks delivery truck, drove it into the mountains, and on the way back down it ran out of gas. What happened next (the man is incredulous by this time)? His son fell asleep in the truck, and was arrested at gun point by police.

The police contacted his mother. She flew to New Mexico and, at considerable expense (including a fast talking lawyer), got her son back home. When the father talked to his son, he seemed as high as a kite on medication, and had no remorse for what he had done.

He told me "My trouble is, I feel abused by his mother's attitude. It's like 20 years ago when we split up. I've done a lot of healing around family, relationships and the meaning of love. I am having a conflict over how I should feel. What should I do?"

My answer was "Well, its not a case of what you 'should' do, it's a case of what your heart says is the thing to do." He thought about it, then said "I see it as his mother being in the same drama she was all those years ago.

Now my son is playing the same control games. He is refusing to take responsibility for his life, and she is refusing to let him take the consequences of his actions."

I asked if he wanted to be involved in this scenario. "Not at all" was the quick reply. "So what does your heart say?" I prompted. After a silence, he said "My heart says to back off and let them work this stuff out between themselves. I will go backwards if I say anything. If he or she wants to contact me, they can."

He thought about it for a while, then said "I love them dearly, but I'm not prepared to involve myself in what I see as a dysfunctional situation.

This thing of hers about involving me and then dropping me continued for years after we split up and while she was in another relationship. I've had enough. I can't change anyone except myself."

So, I wonder, is blood thicker than water?

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